margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
