I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
