Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
