Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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