Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
