i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
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I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
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I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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