his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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