don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
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I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
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Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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