Plan B is the new Plan A
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
