glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
