I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
