i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
