oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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