about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
