I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
