well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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