saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Its about making memories worth repressing
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
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I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
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My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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