Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
