It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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