I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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