My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
barbara walters just said penis...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
