You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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