dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
