Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
