The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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