I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Randomize
