It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
