you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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