70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
