It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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