I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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