cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
