We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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