Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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