And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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