Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
