i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
