i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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