there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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