please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
