I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
