why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
