at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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