I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
