He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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