i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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