Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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