i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
