drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
