Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
