no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
