If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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